i wanna get closer.

Lord, I've been going through the wire with thoughts and with actions posed by others and with the things that have been sacrificed. It's like everyday something new. Everyday there is something going on, I feel like so much has happened in this short span of time its almost scary to think the year is coming to an end. Broke up and got back into a relationship with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. This thing called intimacy is like non-existent with him and it makes me feel as if I have to stand on pins and needles with him every second of the day. We talk but I want more, I need more, I remember when the beginning was fresh and we were so in tune with conversations and just talking about just anything. I guess when you get caught up in this thing called love, you lose sight on a lot. Insecurities build, anxiety and apprehension builds. I feel like I'm in a one-sided love and it scares me to think it can or could have come to that. I think since twitter has arrived on the scene my social skills have dwindled and have made me a dull person in certain aspects. Its as if it holds you captive and makes you feel like you have to give into the conversations of ignorance and the lack of knowledge thereof. I've tried to wield myself off of it for hours and hours at a time just for my sanity. I just want to be able to converse again and feel liberated like I once did without the thoughts of all this unnecessary clout clouding my mind. I feel like I've lost my sense of self and the confidence I did have due to the cheating that occurred within our relationship that just broke me mentally to feed into caring more so for him than myself. God, I need you to restore that confidence in me, that wisdom in me that I once had. No more crap being filtered into my life because its doing more harm than good. I love my boyfriend and I'm glad we're on this road to getting closer spiritually. Lord, help us to do that please. I ask for a lot and half the time , that lot is not what i need but what I want. Lord, forgive me for my uncleanliness in spirit. Lord, forgive me for my ways of thought, my actions of anger. Help me to be more focused and driven. God I want to see Your hands touch and work. Lord, the church foundation is crumbling and it's scary that it has come to this. It is scary that we are at this point where holiness is the last thing on our minds and love is the last thing on our agendas. God, I place all these issues in your hands because I know and I have great faith that You and only you can restore the fruits of the spirit in each of us. Lord, I'm crying because I know it's hard to live and love on this straight and narrow and my heart cries for these issues and things going on. Lord I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I'm lost right now, I feel like there is more to life and we're not seeking that search. So emotional, so scared of what tomorrow may bring. Lord, reteach me how to love unconditionally. Lord, re teach me how to be intimate in a positive light. It's hard living right now, because everything is up in the air. I feel crazy sometimes, I feel helpless at times and I wonder where have you been? But then I realize I left you and you didn't leave me. I left and it's my fault. God I need you to work in my relationships, my friendships, my work experience, I just need you first. Lord please restore the joy of my salvation. Lord restore the communication in my love life. I don't want to lose this person who've I've grown to love in such a way and the fact that He is seeking you, man that makes me so happy, so joyous inside to know that he is willing and able to set aside his desires to get closer to you.

Lord, thank you for letting me vent.

its in Jesus name I pray this prayer,
Amen.

Eureka...

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end ... I know that everything God does will endure forever;nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does this so that men will revere him." Ecc. 3:11&14...

These words are so simple yet so powerful and what I learned from this is very simple: DEATH and LIFE equate on the scale of mankind. We value them, because we are human. Being that we are finite objects created in the image of God and placed upon this earth, we tend to forget the true essence of them; it's a reminder of the thoughts that God has towards us and the time and circumstances in which He's placed us.

Death is a hard thing to accept because its a gradual process. We're born, we live life, we get old, we approach death. But with death comes acceptance of responsibilities, actions, faults, realizations and simply how fragile life is. It allows us to question where time has gone and have we done valueable things with this time we have. I say fragile in a sense that you can be easily forgotten if the legacy you leave is just living your life. Death humbles you, though you may cry for the loss of a loved one, it makes you see the value of life and realize life is not always promised to us in a great abundance. God showed us death so that we may respect Him first, He placed this burden upon man so that they could choose accordingly what to do and how to do it. We have spiritual death also, and this completely separates us from God. So imagine two deaths and just one life, it sounds weird but its like this No Spirit, No Soul just an empty Body.

Life is the gradual process. We born into this world, destined to be something, to do something and create a legacy worth leaving behind. Just the thought of pregnancy it resembles death also; the child's eyes are closed, not being able to see the light, feel actual flesh, or speak with a voice and move fully without causing pain to the mother. Once out the womb, the child is exposed to everything: Sounds, Images, and Feelings. We cry when life is given because its so new and so fresh. We see the blessing bestowed upon us. We acknowledge how valueable life is once it starts out small and grows. God makes life simple and beautiful. Life is beautiful only if we allow God to manifest in it. We have spiritual life also, we are born into a world to do something and to create a legacy worth leaving behind. God let His son be an example in how we ought to live. The legacy He left not only impacted the nation at that time but touched many generations to see how beautiful a life can be despite the hardships, despite the risks and how letting God's love manifest through His life for all to see at this present time we live in. Simply Beautiful.

DEATH and LIFE equate to each other....we value the rolls they play but we need to value the writer of it.

BRIII

God knows.

So Michael Jackson died today, Farah Fawcett died also and Ed McMahon dies yesterday.

Wake up call.

God has given us life but what do we do with it?

We live it to how we see fit.

We live it to the extent of not reaching our full potential.

We spoil it and make it into something perverse.

We live this life for the vanity of materialistic means.

We live this life thinking we are invincible and cannot be touched.

But...we are human, finite beings that roam this earth and are made of this earth's sediments with God's breath in our lungs, God's inspires us with this knowledge built into our limbs which are our talents. God is the simple reason as to why we exist because of his love to see us strive for a greater potential and a crave for perfection. I'm not here to preach because Lord knows I'm in no position to, but I know this that God knows when your heart desires more than just fortune and fame. God knows the realistic desires of every heart that dwells on this earth...I just hope everyone realizes that what their desires are cannot be fulfilled by something finite...God is infinite. God is Good.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."- Phillipians 4:11-13.

Reach your full potential but do not forget where God has placed you.

BRIII

Petition

My God, I thank you in abundance for the works of your hand. I thank you for the very breath that enters the lungs of each person daily. God i thank you for being Jehovah first and foremost. God i come to you because sadness crosses my flesh and my flesh is weak because my spirit desires your comfort and your words of understanding. My God I ask you to please bless Professor Johnson my God, give him healing of the soul first and foremost then my God provide the healing of the flesh. For you said in your word that we are dust and to dust we shall return. We are not worthy of life for you created us out of nothingness and breathed your life into us hence our existance. We are alive because you have given us life but with this life you've created us for one sole purpose to worship you within us, for we are your people and we are you temple and you thrive in us and manifest your glory through our natural talents and intelligence. My God I pray that you may work through each and every person that I love my God I pray that you may open their hearts and souls to newer things Lord God. Revive in us a clean heart and a new spirit. God restore the joy within us and the smiles that dwell upon these finite vessels called bodies. My God you are faithful and are worthy of the praise that leaves the buds of each tongue. For every knee shall bow and tongue will confess that you are LORD. Lord of all creation you are, for you make things exist by the thoughts that escape into our visual minds through dreams, melodies, any form of artistry. My God you are holy. Simply beautiful, wonderous in all your ways and i praise you because you are. Forgive us for our lack of forgiving others, supply us with wisdom and knowledge and strength to think through each step and decision we make. Let us reveal our plans to you in the secrecy of the temple we're the fire of the Holy Spirit dwells, within us. God It is in the name of Jesus where all things are made whole and all things ring true, Amen.

untitled

the projects
buildings built in crosses petitioning to God to look down below and spare the minds that will soon fall victim to the old ways of the old winos that fell victim to the snow that doesnt fall from the skies but shoots up their noses so that their eyes glisten as little children anticipating christmas days and thanksgiving nights
the ways of the old generation cripple the thoughts of the clean slated youth birthed out the womb and here we see them live the same ways as the parents who are in approximity to age as there own child running wild in the streets looking for love or the lack thereof with non applicable standards and means to where we seem to think we know oh so much
so we touch
we feel
we kiss and arousal begins and forms from the depths within
cardinal sin # 1
it only last for 30 seconds above the sun
no thoughts form until the process it complete
and the screams take place in the midst of heat
lets not wait till the water runs dry
an oasis
where we know 30 seconds can multiply like cells that divide into blastocysts and form the fetus to repeat the cycle of malnutrition or should i say maltreatment
the mind is a terrible thing to waste

BRIII

If I traded it all.

What are you willing to give up that would cost you the most so that you could have infinite happiness? What are you willing to let go of that will cost you the most so that love would be infinitely given to you? We search the earth and the contents thereof for fulfillment yet nothing seems to fill us to the point where we can say we're complete. We think we know ourselves, but if we know ourselves why do we still search to know something more about ourselves? God knows our hearts and the void that has been put their by him for us to search for him...now i ask once again what are you willing to give up after the search is all said and done and you've come to your answer...are you willing to let go of all those credoes you once lived by? Are you willing to trade it all...

The parable of the rich man... Matthew 19: 16-30
16 Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"
17"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."
18"Which ones?" the man inquired.
Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony,
19honor your father and mother,'and 'love your neighbor as yourself."
20"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"
21Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
25When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"
26Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
27Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"
28Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.
29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

.....this is trading it all....giving up yourself and all that you could become just to be sufficient by God's grace and everlasting mercy.

my heart was made to worship you Lord, my mind was formed to think in your likeness and show others the way through the words that proceed out of my mouth. but now i must give up something that i hold closer to me more than anything to be with out and to be truly and freely happy. This is trading it all...take it...my heart. take it. my mind. take it. my will for life. take it. my drive for living. take it. all things that are not for me. take it.

im trading it all.

BRIII

God gave me a new reason to smile

God I appreciate everything you've done for me, You are the Alpha and Omega of every situation i've ever encountered through this life. God i appreciate you more than you can fathom right now. God I was mad and sad these past few days but you've opened my eyes to a greater venue of self. God you've opened my heart to forgiveness, you've opened my heart to love and love in abundance despite myself. God I thank you for challenging my heart and mind. I thank you for showing me other testimonies in which i am able to appreciate everything more...Lord I could have been in a far more worse situation but you guarded my steps and my heart and the thought processes from becoming entangled in a different and more complicated situation that i've experienced. Lord, God you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are great and all i have is you and i'm glad i have you in my corner to lean upon. I'm glad that i have your hand to hold when i misplace my foot. Lord you are greatly to be praised for who you are. Greatly to be acknowledged within all the earth. God if i could take back all the things i did to hurt you, i would cover the earth with my tears and my breath would be faint from lamentations to your throne. You deserve my praise, only you deserve my heart and the contents thereof. God remove the inquities and infirmities that hold me back from really and truly opening the contents of my spirit to you. Lord make love to my spirit, consume my body with joy and gladness, let the strength of my legs pound the earth with your praises, let my arms flare like flowers that reach the heavens for scents of morning dew. Let my body be your instrument, mold me and shape me to your likeness, give me new understanding where i lack. Let my voice be heard as soft whispers of your being embodying the earth. God you've given me a new reason to smile. You given me my heart back, you've given me my life back...let me bare the new fruits thereof. God you love me...infinitely and unconditionally...those are the two things i've ever wanted and needed and i now understand why love never fails, love is sincere. It is eternal, it is not tangible but felt in the deepest parts of the void of self. Lord if there is anything i could repay you with? Lord you have everything, cherubims, seraphims praising you daily yet you seek my praise and you love me despite all that praise. Despite my faults you love me, Lord what did i do to deserve all this love? I am not worthy...You alone are worthy and you alone deserve my praise. God you grace is consistant and sufficient ...therefore i will boast all the more glady in my weaknesses because you are my God. Lord open up my heart, and the chambers thereof...If i have faith that can move mountains Lord but have not love...i am nothing. God bless and surround all whom i love. Cover them with your grace and blood, surround them with your seal of protection. Open the venues of their hearts and instill peace through their days. Renew the smiles in their hearts and faces. God it is you who fills this void of self. It is your peace that surpasses all understanding and i honor and reverence you. It's in your precious son who renews life in me daily, that sweet name, Jesus I pray this prayer. Amen.

Peace